the daylight's rays

A prayer for the season of lent. I am thinking of praying through each line during this season. Jesus, hear us, deliver us, give us grace to walk humbly.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

why is it so easy to let ourselves move into a place of desiring fulfillment and satisfaction from others? 

i have been committed lately to be intentional in defining myself by who the Lord says i am and not seeking definition and worth from others, for others to fill places in me that they were not meant to fill. 

i believe in the deep worth of community, the way it teaches us about grace, forgiveness, trust, belief, and points us to Jesus in the image of every person we encounter. community can be a beautiful and terrible thing. it can lead us person to learn to love through words and works, to teach one to walk and live humbly in service to those around them. at the same time, we search for love and acceptance. sometimes we find those traits in community, others time we do not; and we are left confused and hurt. we are confused not only about who the community is to us, but also the deeper question of who we truly are. 

i have been reading much from henri nouwen recently, and i cannot get enough of his view of spirituality, community and the heart of God. in his book, “spiritual direction”, he talks much of solitude and community. he says we must learn the discipline of solitude before we can enter into life-giving community. we must know our center, know who we are, know our worth and how we are loved and called. 

if we enter into community without knowing our inherent worth and our nature as the beloved, we will quickly be swayed into many destructive behaviors, both to the community and to ourselves. we will not be transparent, for we fear how someone will view our vulnerability. we will not choose forgiveness, for we will forget the depths to which we have been forgiven. we will not choose grace, for we do not know how to even offer grace to ourselves. we will not choose assurance of love because we forget that we are defined by Love itself. 

there are so many ways to be discouraged and lose heart, within community and within ourselves. we are truly fighting a good fight, but it is still a fight. some days the battle seems more heavy and real than ever, and some days it feels free. the days that are heavy often repeat to me that i should lose hope; that i will never really cling to my true identity. 

on those days i remember: another practice that is often lost. i remember the words of paul in romans, that nothing separates me from His love. that nothing can change the truth that i am the beloved. i cling to my Beloved and continue to speak what He would say to me. 

His voice becomes more sure, more true. it may not become louder, but when it does speak, it has more meaning than 1,000 loud clanging symbols, than any other words i hear during the day. the words begin to define me the more i choose to believe them. that is the journey of the heart: understanding the love of God, letting that speak acceptance and worth over me, and then offering that to others in community.

that, is the way of Love. 

Tim Keller-

“Isaiah says the Messiah will come to save us ‘with divine retribution.’ But Jesus isn’t smiting people. He’s not taking out his sword. He’s not taking power; he’s giving it away. He’s not taking over the world; he’s serving it. Where’s the divine retribution? And the answer is, he didn’t come to bring divine retribution; he came to bear it. On the cross, Jesus would identify with us totally. On the cross, the Child of God was thrown away, cast away from the table without a crumb, so that those of us who are not children of God could be adopted and brought in. Put another way, the Child had to become a dog so that we could become sons and daughters at the table.

“to be a witness means to offer your own faith experience and to make your doubts and hopes, failures and successes, loneliness and woundedness, available to others as a context in which they can struggle with their own humanness and quest for meaning. Instead, we often hide behind our many emotional, mental, spiritual masks. Who really wants to make their struggles available to others as a source of growth and understanding? Who wants to be reminded of their weaknesses and limitations, doubts and uncertainties? Who wants to confess that God cannot be understood, that human experience is not explainable, and that the great questions of life do not lead to answers but only to deeper questions?” -

Henri Nouwen in “Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the Long Walk of Faith”

inspired by my current search for wisdom. (specifically inspired by reading in james and proverbs)

standing on the street, she is calling

her words are true.

their life-giving water invite you in

“pure and gentle”, she speaks;

quiet grace is the language she knows.

if you search, explore the longing

you will hear a voice sweeter:

deep water, running brooks, a fountain,

life all around.

no disorder, this kind sows peace.

her works are meekness and mercy;

humility comes before the honor.

she does not grow tired

for a harvest is coming,

her way is the one that endures.

healing is on her tongue, her heart;

there are small, great words

of death and life, blessing or curse;

she is calling us to choose.

the last several years i have used different words to guide me and become my theme throughout the year. the majority of these words have been chosen by me; and i have come to see them be significant in producing growth that i can see, while gaining a deeper understanding of their meaning.

this year has been slightly different. i think my words have chosen me without me really being active in finding the words. in the last several weeks i have been dwelling on the following words, to the extent that they are changing the way i see the world already. they have inspired more creativity and thought than i have had in a long time, and along with them, they have brought a joy and delight in life that has been dormant in me for some time now. there is a part of me that is awakening, attentive to the world around me, seeking sight, while also finding true contentment and confidence in their presence and their lessons. AND, it’s only january 13. whew.

i broke them down into two categories because i want to be a person that does along with one that thinks and questions and uses the intellect i have been given, while also engaging and acting and moving.

what i’m doing: creating

 whether it be words or trying to make more things handmade, i will be creating, following the pattern of the Creator in making new tangible things, breathing new words- learning to live in this attribute of who God is and in doing so, seeking to know Him more. i also just believe there are practical things i want to improve on, such as my writing and sewing and knitting; i have so much to learn. creating and making things with my hands helps me to feel accomplished and satisfied when i can see work done, start to finish, while also taking joy in the process.

what i’m exploring: mystery

several of the latest posts on this blog have been either directly or indirectly about this concept of mystery. i have been enticed and enthralled by exploring the mystery of God and how our finite minds cannot fully fathom His ways and who He is. i believe He is taking me on a faith journey with this word to a greater destination of worship, awe, wonder, and desire for Him. He is truly God, and i am not; and because of that, i have a strong feeling this will not only be a journey into the glorious mystery but also into a deeper humility. 

because of this, i am entering this year with much anticipation and hope of the lessons to be learned and the things to be made. i am full of gratitude for beginnings and endings, the pattern of creating and resting, and His mystery and glory. 

“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

it is too high; I cannot attain it.”- Psalm 139: 6

“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. I cannot grasp it. I can hardly endure to think of it. The theme overwhelms me. I am amazed and astounded at it. Such knowledge not only surpasses my comprehension, but even my imagination. It is high, I cannot attain unto it. Mount as I may, this truth is too lofty for my mind. It seems to be always above me, even when I soar into the loftiest regions of spiritual thought. Is it not so with every attribute of God? Can we attain to any idea of his power, his wisdom, his holiness? Our mind has no line with which to measure the Infinite. Do we therefore question? Say, rather, that we therefore believe and adore. We are not surprised that the Most Glorious God should in his knowledge be high above all the knowledge to which we can attain: it must of necessity be so, since we are such poor limited beings; and when we stand a tip toe we cannot reach to the lowest step of the throne of the Eternal.”-

Charles Spurgeon

psalm 139 was an answer to a specific prayer i have been praying the last several days. i am always amazed at how the Lord chooses to answer our prayer. i plan to blog more about this passage soon. 

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me, 

you know when I sit down and when I rise up,

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down,

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

it is too high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me, your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you,

the night is bright as day

the darkness is as light to you.

 You formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works, my soul knows them very well.”

mystery: “something that is difficult or impossible to understand or explain”

there is a part of me that is always consumed when i encounter a sight or beauty that feels mysterious, like there is something hidden deeply inside the beauty that only makes it more beautiful; and even if i were to enter further into it, i would still not see fully. most of the time when i am present in these moments, i feel an unusual sense of peace and expectancy for what is beyond. i do not fear not knowing what is behind the fog, what is waiting to be unveiled. i am content in even discovering what is in front of me, that whatever i see cannot be fully known at once.

creation is meant to make us yearn for the existence of God, to point us towards Him in every act and picture. creation tells us about God, always speaking His words. i believe that creation does speak of His mystery, of His unfathomable ways and character. as much as we search and strive and try to see Him clearly, we cannot. He is a mystery to us, we must wait in eager expectation for all to be revealed.

when i view a scene like the picture below, i am drawn to its mysterious nature. i can faintly see that there are trees in the background, growing and full of life, covered by a fog and dim lighting. there may even be more in between that i can’t make out. there are things beyond, but they are blurry. but you can see clearly that there is something right in front of you, whether it be weeds or plants that seem to have no one tending to them. 

how often do circumstances in life feel like they have the mystery that is present in this picture? this picture may be describing some of the feelings i am having in the season i am in, except i am usually not choosing words like peaceful and beautiful to describe my attitude towards the mystery. i am not content with the unknown, and i question what God has planned and what He is doing. there is this beautiful journey of trust right in front of me, a journey into the mysterious places of who God is, and i have been fighting and struggling with Him because i want to see circumstances more clearly than i want to see Him. 

when i choose this way, there is always more pain than peace, more struggle than calm, more questions than answers in the quest for sight. 

this is when the Lord is faithful to remind me of His mystery, His way, and the beauty of it all. i can find comfort in this mystery, comfort in His eyes and His thoughts, when mine do not have the ability to see. 

as i look at the picture again, i notice that the picture in the forefront would not be nearly as compelling if it weren’t for the unknown beauty in the background. i am reminded again of the true beauty that is today, while also anticipating what is ahead: life and growth and hope. i know those things to be true.

as i wait for the Lord and His glory to be fully revealed, i am choosing to remember His goodness, that His ways and thoughts are not mine (Isaiah 55). we all see dimly, but there will be a day when we see fully. even as He is mysterious to us, there is comfort and peace in the truth that He fully knows us (1 Cor. 13:12). when we are given sight, we will be like Jesus, for we will see Him as He is (1 John 3:2). what is mystery for me is not mystery for Him.

the mystery of this world reminds me evermore that i need Jesus to heal my sight. in my blindness, i am learning to trust the Mystery; because i know there will be a glorious day when i can see, when mystery and fear will be no more.